How I Met Your Mother-Eriksen Horror Story I
by regertz
Summary: The Long Island Xmas wisenheimer Scott meets his dreadful fate… Note-It's my happy alternate ending verse of HIMYM so Barney and Robin, Ted and Tracy.


How I Met Your Mother: "Eriksen Horror Story…I"

Summary: The Long Island Xmas wisenheimer Scott meets his dreadful fate…

Long Island…

2019…Halloween…Just after dark…

A parked Lexus with Minnesotan license plates a bit away from a large house and sadly for its owner, a little too isolated in the dark…

A sneering young man armed with slim jim, quickly sliding and opening…

Nice…Bet this is some relative's of that Eriksen moron, from the house over there. "Gee…Thanks again, Mr. E…" smirking whisper.

"You're entirely welcome. Scott." Marshall Eriksen in car rises up, smiling at him.

"Hey…Scott. I'm Marshall's brother Marcus." The tall figure suddenly appearing at driver's door blocking Scott's escape.

"And I'm Marshall's brother Marvin Jr." Marvin notes, stepping from shadows by car. "Glad to hear you like my car."

"Hey…Guys…Look, I didn't mean…Anything. Hey, Mr. E!" brightly. "Long time no see."

"Oh, I've seen you, Scott." Marshall smiles.

"In fact, through a friend of mine with remarkable skills in surveillance and 'guys' for everything plus contacts with the FBI and local law enforcement, I've been keeping a very close eye on you." Cool smile.

"But I and my brothers here thought Halloween would be the perfect time for us to meet up again."

"Yeah…Say Scott?" Marcus, cheerily. "Would you care for a delicious Hurtz Donut? I brought a bag of them."

"Uh…Sure…Arrrrrraghhh…"

"Hurts, don't it?" grin.

"We used your phone to call all your friends back for an anniversary party at our house, Scott." Marshall notes. "Now, some of them have grown up and wrote back you should grow up, dude. Admirable. But quite a few said 'right on!'. They're…Waiting for you, in the house, now. What's left of them."

"What? No…" Scott groaned. "Look, they all pushed me into it, then. I was just trying to impress my guys and some bimbos from school."

The Eriksen boys eye each other… "I figured from the way you described him he'd be the sort of punk who'd try to blame it on his friends." Nod by Marvin Jr.

"Now…I tried to be fair…" Marshall notes. "But…That's pretty low, Scott…I'm afraid we'll have to keep you alive another half-hour for that." Marshall noted solemnly. "But for now…Lets party!"

"Yeah!" the other Eriksens agree…Dragging Scott along to the house.

"You've met the wife. Lily? Look, Scott's come to join his friends for another party at our house." Marshall beamed at her.

"Scott. Nice to see you again." Lily smiled.

"Help! Help me! Your husband and his brothers are crazy, Ms. E. They've hurt me!" he whimpered.

"I should hope so." she nodded, beaming at Marshall. "But it's Ms. A…I kept the ole maiden. You ought to know from when you posted my boobies on Facebook after trashing our home and trapping my husband overnight on our roof where he nearly got hypothermia and died. Come on in, guys! This party needs a little…Life, everybody's…Dead." Cool smile at Scott's bulging eyes.

NOOOO! As they drag him in.

…

The house, dark, lit only by scattered large candles…

"Careful…It's…Wet there." Lily notes.

"Right…That's where we carved up that girl you were dancing with all night at your first party. The one who gave me the finger through our skylight as I froze on the roof." Marshall nods. "She was a real screamer. I'll be the sex was awesome, my friend Barney who used to be quite the ladies' man before he married happily always said the screamers were the best. Until the neighbors complained." Flashlight shining on his face, held by Lily, to reveal icy stare… "But way out here…That's not a problem."

"You're just kiddin'. Trying to scare me. Ok, I give…I get it. You deserve to give me a hard time, ok. Ok. Now, just let me go. You oughta know my dad, he's big in town. I can make it rough for you."

"You probably could. I'd bet you even still have that photo of my wife's boobs on your phone. But too bad you didn't put my deal on your phone when you put yours on mine." Smile.

Scream in distance, as if from basement…

"Marcus? Didn't we finish the last of them?" Marshall turns to his brother.

"Sorry, not quite… Let me tend to that. I think they need some 'chopped nuts' on their sundae." He notes to Scott, heading off into darkness, a door to basement opening…Another hideous scream from below as he closes door.

"This is crazy. You're just tryin' to scare me. Ahhhh!" he twists in terror as a severed hand lands on shoulder, pushed down by Marvin Jr.

"Say hello to Terry's hand. You remember Terry? The one who suggested you crap on our sofa? It took a long time for the cleaner to get that out." Marshall notes.

"It was Nana's sofa so we couldn't just replace it." Lily notes.

"It's not real!" Scott, trying to jerk the hand off, but still held firmly by Marshall and Marvin…

"All set!" Marcus emerges from basement, cheery tone. "Stacy won't be bothering us again." He holds up what looks like a human leg bone, taking large bite. "Damned good with barbecque sauce, Lily. Great job."

"The slow roasting's what does it." Lily beams.

"Come on…" Scott, nervously arrogant. "You cooked and ate Stacy?"

"Stacy…Macguire…From her purse." Marcus notes. "Now how did we know that, if we're just…Playin' with ya?"

"You looked her up…Paid her off. It's a joke, a bad joke. And when my dad hears…" Scott tries. Falling over…Ahhhhhhh! He feels…

"Careful. That's Barbara's torso minus head and arms…" Marshall notes.

"Nice boobs though…" Lily notes. "Though she'd gained weight since the party she told me before I axed her. That's axed with an ax, not a bad mispronunciation of asked."

"You guys are crazy. But you can't scare…" Scott feeling blood oozing from Barbara's severed neck.

AHHHHH!

"Lets go meet the rest of our guest now that Marcus is bringing Stacy up…In sections." Marshall noted.

"Here's your old pal, Hank. Still hanging around…" he pats hanging corpse, Lily shining flashlight to reveal a horrified, eyes bulging Hank's face at just above normal height, thick coiled rope about neck, body swinging just a bit at a push from Marcus.

"Hank? Dude…Knock it off…" Scott tried, fuming at the hanging body.

"With pleasure…It was about to rip off anyway…" Marcus notes.

"Guys? Ponchos?" Lily calls, offering.

"Hey, thanks Lil…" Marcus beams, taking. "Yeah…" Marshall and Marvin each take one, pulling on.

"All right, then…" Marcus nods…Tensing, then pulling hard at hanging body, rope severing head from said. What looked and smelled like blood spurting.

"Jesus!" Scott cries as the blood spattered him.

"It will be a deal to clean…" Lily nods. "But our friend Barney has a really good guy for this."

"Joke…It's…All a…Joke…" Scott mumbles.

"Of course it is, Scott." Marshall nods. "We didn't lure your friends here with the phone you left behind that night and kill the ones still stupid and asinine enough to come, one-by-one…." He smiled.

"Not one by one…" Marcus agrees. "That wouldn't be a fair challenge, given we're Ericksen men."

"Wanna see the tape?" Lily offers. "It was quite a hunt… I thought that big guy, Dwayne, might have a chance but…Well…" she inserts tape, living room TV coming on, a pool of light reflecting in the other pool on the floor…

"He chose his birthplace…Wisconsin…Poorly." Marshall… "Hell, yeah!" Marcus, Marvin.

Dwayne? He was supposed to come and jack cars with me tonight, Scott thinks… No…Dwayne?

Tape plays…Hideous shrieks, sound of a chainsaw gunning…

"Oooh…The splat was his girlfriend…You know, the redhead who told your pizza guy she was Mrs. E and she gave good head." Lily noted.

"I don't think she had a solid bone in her body…" Marcus shook head.

"Except maybe the thigh bones in jeans on the couch there…" Marshall pointed.

"Plenty of meat there, good eatin'." Marvin beamed.

"You're crazy! All of you! Crazy!" Scott cried, eyeing the bloodied thighs.

"No…We're Minnesotans. And our honorary sis…" Marvin smiled at Lily who beamed back…Thanks, Marvin's uncle Marvin.

"And while, under the right circumstances no one enjoys a good ribbing at our little brother's expense than us…" Marcus smiled. "We have to take insults to our tribe and our little sis here…And our nephew's and niece's father…Seriously."

"Plus…Free meat on the hoof? What Minnesotan could turn that down?" Marshall notes. All advancing on Scott who screams in terror…

"You scared, dude?" Marshall eyed him. "Good."

Scott, calming…Looking about at the smiling faces.

"So…It was a joke. You'll be sorry for this, dudes. So will my fake friends who helped you. What'dya give them anyway? Hank? Stacy? You wanna come out now?"

"Hank? Stacy?"

….

"Oh, hey. This is your neighbor, Lily Aldrin calling about that 'Have you seen me' milk carton thing for your son? What? Oh, that was by your ex- for the little punk before he ripped off her house in the Hamptons and now she couldn't give a fuck? Well, it was just that my husband and I thought we'd seen him breaking into a neighbor's house last weekend. Yeah, true to form, the little bastard. Well, sure…We'll call the cops if we ever see him."

"Guess no one cares, Scott. But you have a home here with us forever. As a hockey puck for Marshall and his brothers." Lily beams at severed frozen head…Its expression seeming even more horrified.

"Hey, guys!" cry. "The family's good, he's all yours!" she offers head, by its hairs, out the kitchen window, Marshall taking it.

"OK! Lets…Play…Hockey!" he cried.

"How's about another Hurtz donut?!" Marcus calls pleasantly to head on ice. Skating in towards it…

"You know some religious beliefs, and some recent medical literature suggest the dead remain active and aware in this existence." He notes to the others as they skate in close.

"And there's that 'Dark Water' Doctor Who episode where Missy the Mistress was revealed which was all about how the dead live, kinda, on." Marvin notes, nodding.

"Indeed, …So, Scott…" Marcus, beaming.

Whack of large wooden stick's blade on head, bashing into frozen terror-sticken eyes…

"Hurts, don't it?"

"And that, guys…" Marshall beams at the 2019 gang in the MacLauren's Bar booth… "Is what happened to Scott the wisenheimer."

"Oh, great story…" Ted nods. "Kinda creepy, really…" Tracy shakes head.

"Yeah…You know…There was a story out this Halloween about a young missing adult named Scott. From Long Island…With a criminal record. Who disappeared." Robin Scherbatsky-Stinson notes, patting baby in Barney's arm.

"Oh, yeah…" Lily nods. "Guess it was just…An Engima of the Mystical…" exchanging high five with Marshall.

…


End file.
